The Truth Behind “Families Don’t Stick Together Like They Used To”

You’ve probably heard it before—maybe from a relative at a holiday gathering, maybe from running into a relative you haven’t seen in a while, something of the notion:

 "Families don’t stick together like they used to."

“After your grandmother died, no one cared to get the family together anymore.”

“Everyone is busy with their own life and forgets about family.”

It’s said with a kind of mourning, maybe even anger, mostly a sense of nostalgia for “the good old days” when families were tighter, more loyal, more united. But here’s the thing—maybe we weren’t as close as we thought. Maybe what looked like unity was really a quiet kind of survival.

Because in many collectivist families, what holds people together isn’t always love and mutual respect—it’s obligation.

And often, the glue wasn’t the elders, matriarchs or patriarchs, holding the family together like we once thought. They were the cover. 

They kept things intact on the outside, smoothed over any dysfunction, and made sure the family name looked good. But behind closed doors? People were exhausted, resentful, quietly carrying wounds they didn’t feel safe enough to name. 

Although our elders may have had great intentions for the family to thrive and grow together, their cover now becomes unveiled after their passing and family members are left to see what remains. Some family members will choose to confront the harmful behaviors and patterns or simply choose to no longer engage. Some family members will choose to carry on the legacy of togetherness despite the exhaustion or sacrifice it may bring. Some families will discover there was/is a cost of showing up in the family dynamic they once knew. 

The Cost of "Showing Up"

When our elders, whether a matriarch or patriarch, held an gathering, over time, family learned the script. They learned how to show up without actually being present. They learned to perform family instead of participate in it.

In collectivist cultures, we’re taught that presence is everything—just be there, for birthdays, for holidays, for emergencies. But what if people are showing up in body and not in spirit? What if that kind of presence is just another mask? An opening for loneliness and resentment to build and grow. A togetherness without the connection.

So, here’s the hard question:
Can a collectivist family truly thrive if someone isn’t sacrificing their peace, time, and energy?

If the answer is no—if someone always has to self-abandon in order for the “togetherness” to work—then maybe what we’re calling unity is actually codependence.

What Do We Actually Want From Our Family?

We say we want closeness, but do we mean emotional safety? Or do we mean proximity and obligation? 

We say we want tradition, but do we mean shared values? Or do we mean silence and self-sacrifice? What feels good to keep in your family and what feels okay to let go that no longer serves you?

Maybe the reason families “don’t stick together like they used to” is because people are waking up to the cost of that old model. People are setting boundaries, choosing therapy, reclaiming their time. They’re realizing that love isn’t proven through burnout. And maybe that's not a loss—it’s evolution.

If you’re reading this and thinking, “Well, Adrianna, if that’s the case, where do I go from here?” Here are some reflections to consider: 

What do I want to feel when I’m around my family?

What would “closeness” look like on my terms?

Are there boundaries I’ve been afraid to set because I don’t want to “hurt” anyone?

What do I give in family relationships—and what do I receive?

How do I want to be supported—and do they have the capacity to offer that?

If you’re wanting to explore this more in depth, please find this reflection under my resource tab, labeled What I Need From Family.

Is It Possible To Build Something New?

The truth is, it’s easier to repeat patterns than to repair them (shout out to you cycle-breakers for choosing the hard thing). It’s easier to shame the people who “don’t come around anymore” than to ask why they stopped. But if we want families to thrive—really thrive—it’s going to take more than just showing up. 

It’s going to take honesty, repair, consent, and intentional care. It’s going to take effort from everyone, not just the one person who’s been holding it all together. 

Let’s stop romanticizing the version of family that requires someone’s silence and sacrifice. Let’s build the kind of family where no one has to disappear because they don’t feel like they belong. 

Sending you SO much support,

Adrianna